Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Polyamory can mean a lighter touch

I've quietly slipped out of a few piles of cuddling people when the eroticism started getting more "hot and heavy." It's not hard to do and my absence isn't really noticed that much. At least the cuddling can continue while I step across the room and go back to another style of dancing.

One can do this with multiple people. It would be harder to slip out of a one to one relationship without the partner being disappointed or left in the cold.

I've been recently attending the meetings of a group that discusses various aspects of polyamory lifestyles. Basically, it just means eroticism can happen between more than just one other person.

People define polyamory in many different ways.

It can mean open marriages where there is a commitment between two people, but openness to another person in the lives of one, or both partners.

It can just mean partners are free to do things like date, interact, in some cases even just glance beyond the two person relationship.

It can mean groups of people getting together in various ways. Really, there are multiple definitions among the general public.

Once I heard a radio talk show where someone called to say she had caught her husband noticing another woman. She was outraged since there was a twinkle in his eye as he passed another woman on the street.

The talk show host was a psychologist and she had a great comeback. The host said to that caller, "you're husband's just married, but it doesn't mean he's dead." "Of course he's likely to have a variety of feelings."

For me, (which is what matters in this blog), eroticism is best when it's in the slow lane; one of the reasons why I chose "Theslowane.com" domain name.

Theslowane also relates to a slower, more contemplative, "bicycling" lifestyle.

For eroticism, mildly titillating experiences work for me. If there's touch, it's better when it's light touch, like putting one's toe in the waters of human contact.

I've found these experiences are more apt to come from gatherings of people, rather than single partners.

Popular opinion might think that sexuality which is more toward polyamory on the scale would also be more risque.

Folks will say, "if sex with one partner is high on the scale of intensity and being promiscuous, multiple partners just turns the volume up even more."

So goes popular conception.

Well, maybe not. Multiple people can spread and diversify the experience. It can be even less; in intensity that is.

American culture tends to have a bias toward, "the max." The climax, extreme sports, extreme experience, consumption and ultimately extreme hangover.

I've been to naked dances up in Vancouver, BC or down in Seattle where eroticism can be at various levels from quite intense to just being into the dance and music as a great form of exercise. In a room full of naked folks, there's nice scenery, good conversation. I don't notice pressure, or expectations to go beyond comfort zones.

One to one relationships are often held up by society as the highest in moral standards, but these can be filled with possessiveness.

In our culture where intensity is the norm, many people in relationships seem to devour one another. Often folks get devoured and then spit out from relationships.

In a small community like Bellingham, folks can be afraid to go out socially for fear of running into ex lovers out there.

"In a small area, be careful what bread crumbs of hurt you leave behind."

Then I hear that there are only 12, or less minutes of in depth conversation per day in the average American relationship.

Only 12 minutes!

That's not much for something I get great pleasure from. In depth conversation and getting to know someone.

I've had deeper sharing with seatmates on Amtrak.

So I wonder, what's the point being in the type of relationships that most people strive for.

I to be non judgemental. Relationships are better for some people. Intensity can be good.

I just know that I enjoy the mildly erotic dance of life with lots of variety, meeting new friends and also being able to take a break from it for enjoying solitude when my mood desires.

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